we have pet lesbian snakes
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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