I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just want to make out with him forever
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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