you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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