So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
