who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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