So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
