Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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