I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
it was like his penis was on wheels.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize