If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
where are my eyebrows?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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