Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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