I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
