just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
