Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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