When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
