A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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