what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize