If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
