I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
