for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
