God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
