You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
