I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
