i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
