you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
