I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
