i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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