My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
