Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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