just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
