Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
