Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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