ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
it's like iHOP with fire
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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