he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
