I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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