He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
