A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
