Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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