frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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