My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
