I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
How does one acquire holy water?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
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