And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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