i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
