so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
