u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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