I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Randomize