My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
