sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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