If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
