Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize