I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
my being single is dangerous.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
