Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Why is there bacon in the couch?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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