Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
worst night to have a conscience
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
