I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
