Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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