That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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