the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
