This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
