the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
