I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
