i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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