Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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