Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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