Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
