She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
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