you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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